Forgetting Something Good?

When our son was small it wasn’t uncommon for him to do his best to match his will against mine. During his toddler and preschool years we battled over almost everything imaginable—what he would wear, taking a bath, picking up toys, going to bed, leaving a friend’s house, and so on. He was a very determined little boy with an equally determined mother who sometimes lost her composure in the face of his strong-willed temperament. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize what an impact my attitude might be having until one day, as we were driving home from the store, our three-year-old daughter piped up from the back seat of the station wagon saying, “Mommy, I’m the good one, aren’t I, and Andrew’s the bad one.”

 
Her comment brought me to a very uncomfortable, truth-filled moment. She was right. My response to Andrew’s dogged personality was often one of critique and criticism. I couldn’t wait to tell my friends the latest episode I had endured with him. In fact, it might almost have appeared to her that I was collecting “bad” stories about him just to underscore what a long-suffering mother I was in the face of his continued antics. She clearly got the message that she was “good,” but he was not. I wondered what he thought of himself, based on what he had heard from me.

What Do You See?

While we are sometimes able to excuse or overlook the behavior of our developing children, we tend to be much less generous with adults. If our spouse forgets to bring home a requested item from the store, we can be most unkind in how we label this forgetful behavior. If the house is a mess or the children undisciplined, we may blame our partner for being lazy, distracted or unhelpful. If an extended family member makes a judgmental comment or is less than sympathetic to one of our concerns, we may brand him or her as selfish and self-centered, overlooking the possibility of a different explanation. Over time, we tend to form opinions about others and then gather evidence to support our evaluation. The unfortunate outcome of this perspective is that it contributes to a tendency to overlook any behavior that does not fit our point of view. Should any of our “problem people” perform in the way we hoped, we are unlikely to notice and even less likely to say “thank you.”

A Holiday Challenge – Noticing the Good Stuff

Paying attention to or emphasizing only the negative was exactly the position in which I found myself with regard to our son and I knew it needed to change. I needed to start noticing the good things he did and comment on these as opposed to only recognizing the bad. The same may also be said for the way in which we act with our mate and/or other adults close to us. With the celebration of Thanksgiving this week, the holiday season begins here in earnest. Although this can be a joyful, fun-filled time, it is also often a time of increased stress. More stress means more tension and a greater tendency to focus on the negative. With a negative mindset, it’s easy to notice every irritating or troublesome behavior on the part of our partner, child or family member. My challenge to you this year is to give those you love the gift of noticing the good things, paying attention to the times they are helpful, going out of your way to see them as developing people—not problems to be solved.

My son is now the father of three little boys—one three-year-old and twin two-year-olds. From what I can tell, the strong-willed spirit lives on in at least one or two of the three, but he gives the impression that he’s handling it better than I did and I’m pleased. He seems to understand that little boys need limits and independence. He and our daughter-in-law see boys developing; not little hellions to be held in check. There’s plenty of excitement and activity at their house, but he’s helping me see one’s attitude and what you notice make all the difference. It also helps to have a sense of humor when one of the twins empties a container of baby powder all over the house—but that’s another week and another story. For this week, enjoy the wonder of your family and the good things they bring to your life. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!