Is it Time to Forgive and Forget?

Dear Dr. Baker,

My ex and I have been divorced for three years now. We have remained friends during this time, with some ups and downs. . . . He has hinted about getting back together on and off over the three years. I divorced him due to what I call verbal abuse. . . . I want to believe that he has changed, but I am scared of going back to the same situation that led me to divorce in the first place. . . . We do have children . . . but I don’t want us to get back together based on his inability to be alone. HELP!  

Forgiving, Forgetting and Reconciliation

First, let me be clear. I really do not think that forgiveness means forgetting. In some respects, I believe it is impossible to forget some of the hurtful and harmful things that have been done to us. Forgetting implies amnesia or brain damage. I doubt that the woman above would want to be a candidate for either. However, it does sound like she does wonder if it’s possible to trust her ex-husband again. In addition to the hurtful things she recalls about the relationship, she also likely has pleasant and happy memories of her life with the father of her children. She wonders if the good can overcome the bad. She questions whether it would be possible for them all to be a family again. She ponders the possibility of resurrecting old feelings, especially if they result in pain and disappointment.

Healthy Relationships Require Forgiveness

Forgiveness is not only an important part of marriage; it’s essential. But what is it, really? According to Webster’s New World Dictionary it involves 1) giving up resentment against or the desire to punish; 2) giving up the claim to punish; and 3) canceling or remitting a debt. In any long-term, committed relationship like marriage there are bound to be slights and hurts that need forgiveness—things like forgetting to pick up the milk at the grocery store or damaging some special item belonging to your partner. In cases like these, we are often able to cut our partner some slack, recognizing that we, too, have bad days and unintentionally hurt, overlook, forget, or otherwise upset our spouse.

What most people wonder about, however, is how to handle the big breaches – the hurts that violate boundaries or expectations we never imagined. These typically have to do with one’s mate not “being there” at an important moment, infidelity, extreme selfishness and insensitivity over a period of time, addictive behavior, or a history of verbal or physical abuse. These all constitute areas where a combination of time, distance and loneliness may make it possible to “forget” some of the pain of past experiences. Many are even able to forgive, choosing not to carry the burden of resentment toward another. But does this mean it’s wise to trust again and reconcile?

More has been written about forgiveness than I can summarize here, but a few brief points are worth noting, especially with regard to the possibility of reconciling.

1) You can forgive someone who has hurt you deeply without reconciling with them. Some people are not trustworthy. Their behavior has not changed. They will hurt again. It is important to remember that we may forgive someone while also protecting ourselves (and those we love, e.g., children) without placing ourselves in harm’s way again.

2) Trust is restored over time. Reconciliation is possible when both parties work at it. If some very grievous behavior has occurred, e.g., verbal or physical abuse or infidelity, it will often take considerable time and effort for both parties to trust each other again. The primary “offender” will need to demonstrate a change in attitude and behavior over time. Committing to individual and couple therapy is often a good step. Other steps may be needed as well. If substance abuse has been an issue, regular attendance at AA and/or active participation in a treatment program may also be required.

3) Good communication skills can be very useful in helping two people work through past hurts and offenses. Really listening to the pain of the other can go a long way to healing a hurting heart. If communication is a problem, a skills-based relationship education program can be an important part of the process.

For more help with forgiveness, check out these helpful resources.

• Fighting for Your Marriage – Markman, Stanley and Blumberg

• How Can I Forgive You? – Janis Abrahms Spring